The Simple Wonders

There's something fascinating about the first snow. Everything  gets a little quieter for breath and it's beautiful. The world hasn't woken up to wipe the white away,  so the only footprints I see are my own. 

I couldn't help but sneak out and make a few little snowball snowmen. The snow is wet and likely temporary, but still irresistible. Perhaps I'm alone in this, but I feel like the first snow brings out the kid in all of us, even if just for a moment. You can curse that it's a nuisance in many ways, yet you can't deny that there's still a tiny bit of joy there. You made snowmen. Angels. Epic forts. Went tobogganing. Caused chaos with such a simple white ball.

So maybe your commute is miserable. The snow clings to everything and you no longer enjoy sliding on the sidewalk, like when you were younger and used to run and see how far you could go. You don't have the time to climb piles of snow at the end of driveways and jump off. You hate having to scrape windows and wait for things to warm up. You throw salt instead of skating.

But remember those moments. And think of all the good things to come. Soon the real winter will begin. You can wear all your toasty sweaters. You can spend quiet nights nursing a cup of cocoa under some blankets. You can justify hiding from the world with your favourite book. It's the season of being cozy and cuddling. Warm hats, homemade scarves, and matching mittens. Fireplaces and friends.

Even though I'm a little bit frosty and my cheeks are undoubtedly flushed, that little thrill of anticipation is still in my chest. The coming day may expose the dark earth, but I'll look forward to the next time I can catch snowflakes on my tongue.

Things I Do to Stay Awake in Class

Today has been a derpy day - yeah, I actually use that word in real life. After some weekends, it's hard to get back to work. Wait. Lies. All weekends. I had the chaotic night that was Friday night... and possibly stretched into Saturday morning. Then the lazy Sunday where I yelled at the television screen, watching the race in Austin. (By race I mean a Formula 1 Grand Prix... don't worry. I'm well aware it's not popular here.) So somehow dragging myself to class at 1:30 in the afternoon seemed like a huge, exhausting effort.

Listening to professors drone isn't always the most thrilling thing. Unfortunately I find the majority of my classes quite tedious - I've always been more hands-on. Hah. Resist inappropriate joke here. Here are some handy tips to keep yourself awake and entertained. Also here.

1. Bring chocolate. Sugar + caffeine + delicious = best thing ever.   

2.  Find someone who has chocolate and convince them that awesome people share. Proceed to become best friends forever... or until their stash runs out.

3. Make terrible innuendoes and puns about the things you're supposed to be learning. Always fun. Engineering is conveniently full of terms like shaft work, pump heads, and heated lubricant. Not effective if you have a nice, innocent brain. 

4. Draw awesome pictures. This has the bonus of convincing the prof you're extremely dedicated to taking notes. Zero skill required.
  
5. Listen to music. Look at the board thoughtfully and nod occasionally. Do not sing along. Nuff said.

6. Tea or coffee. During the winter this is a good one, but during extreme situations this isn't my favourite. Once I pass a certain point of exhaustion, I'm not coordinated enough to handle hot liquids. The time that I fell asleep walking and spilled on myself comes to mind. That was a bad day. Also, white really was a bad choice. Also, too much caffeine may make comments related to number three a million times worse.

7. If all else fails, find someone who takes pretty notes and copy them later. Then you can go outside and frolic or do whatever you intended to do (most likely huddling on the couch watching movies and napping). Because once I've run through numbers 1 to 6 I'm really just a huge distraction to everyone around me.

I had caffeine today. I had to keep a lot of comments to myself. A lot. Laughter was possibly not internalized as it should have been. Some days I wonder how I make friends at all.

You Thought I Was Kidding...

Tonight I bailed on a friend who wanted to go out clubbing. She found it in her kind heart to forgive this heinous crime by deciding that this rejection was because I was crushing on some guy and I didn't want to dance with/on strangers.

She said it had to be one of my many male friends. I laughed pretty hard. Yeah, I have a lot of male friends, but none of them see me that way. They can jokingly flirt with me, but in the end I'm one of the guys and they'll never make a move. And I'm used to it. I told her if anything my favourite guy in the world is probably this one in our class. She thought this was hilarious and considered it one of my many sarcastic jokes.

But I really wasn't kidding. He's pretty much a perfect husband. He's smart because he loves what he does, and he's not a jerk about it. He goes home because he misses his friends, and also his pets. And he's absolutely awkward with women. It took me months to crack him, but now he starts the conversations. He hasn't quite made it to full eye-contact, but his shyness is ebbing. And I think he's perfect because he's genuinely a nice person. 

A lot of people see my self-deprecating humour as me being stupid. That I'm so clumsy and terrible at math and scatter-brained. And maybe I'm not the smartest person out there, but I don't mind telling these stories because they make people laugh. I don't mind people laughing at my expense. Yet I joke about knocking over my bedside table - didn't expect it to be right next to my bed and all - and he'll laugh, but the first thing he asks is if I'm okay. He always has to make sure I'm okay. And not many people bother to ask. People rarely ask what's behind the jokes.

The fascinating thing is that he thinks I'm a genius. Perhaps not at differential equations or advanced statistics, but at how I can talk my way through things and cheer up people around me. This guy does quantum mechanics for fun, and tells me my so-called skills are amazing. It's refreshing. Such a smart, good guy who doesn't look down on others.

But people are shallow. Women just see a quiet, little nerd that they believe is beneath them. They're missing out. I can guarantee that when this guy settles down he'll treat his girl like a queen. Realistically it won't be me, but if it were I'd make sure that he became the confident guy he should be. The sad thing is he may think I'm out of his league, but the way he looks at me some days makes me melt. I honestly just want him to know it's the other way around and that he's a sweetheart who'll make someone really happy one day. All I can hope is that this  girl realizes that she got one of the best ones. Because he's so friggin adorable and deserves the best. 

I'm not really crushing on this guy, it's really just the idea of a guy like him that makes me smile. And I'm honest enough to say that maybe a part in me wishes I could catch a guy who'd give such unconditional affection, because I'd like to give it in return. Unfortunately a shallow part of me knows that I'd like to be on the receiving end of that emotion before I returned it... which proves that I'm not deserving.

So instead of going out with a girl who's idea of being a wingwoman is shoving me into crowds of men, I made my way home to curl up and watch a movie and be happy alone. On the bus ride home I ran into a friend who told me he missed our random nights of watching terrible movies. He was on his way to pick up liquor - and probably women later - but I got a promise out of him that we'd hang later. See? Friends. We're all just friends, and people need to not read into things unnecessarily.

And so they crack...

Ironically I'm posting this just as I'm heading out to a club. I watched a movie and it scared the crap out of me, so I'd rather not be alone. See? He deserves better. I think my last guy shot my confidence lower than any nerd's.

A Connection I Didn't Miss

No one's supposed to know about my little hidden space. The dead end with the picnic table I trust to be empty when I want to wander out and think my thoughts.

The clocks have all changed. The dark is darker and the cold is colder. Yet the crisp promise of change in the air fascinates me. So I head out after being stuck in a stale class for hours, bundled up to face the damp chill.

There's barely any light around when I lay down on the table. But I like it. I like to look up into the silence. On a clear night it's perfect. Almost too dark and too quiet. Almost.

I don't jump when I hear a deep voice call out "are you okay?" I just laugh and shrug, aware that the stranger probably couldn't see the movement. They seem to get it. Another question echoes around me: "Do you mind if I smoke?"

The shake of my head registers and I hear a click of a lighter. I only realise they've sat down on the bench when I feel the smoke blow over me. My left shoulder. Less than a foot away from me, yet I haven't bothered to look at them.

"What are you doing?" The stranger asks it so casually, so personally. I paused.

I don't know if it's because I've read too much, or too little, or if it's because I was in a pensive mood, but my reply broke the stillness.

"I think I'm trying to find a fault in the stars." The quiet settled once more, making me appreciate that perhaps my words were being processed.

"You know, someone once told me that you can't connect the dots."

I can't tell if the smile on my face was visible in the darkness. "I suppose not, but it keeps me occupied nonetheless."

The inevitable question came. "Are you in the arts?"

I don't bother to answer directly. "Sometimes I wonder if there's a standard state for them. Some base to which all others are measured. Some easy middle that's assigned a value."

The smoke dies out and I hear a chuckle at my ear. "I suppose there could be."

I can't tell if they're looking up at the stars or at me, until I hear "this is quite the odd meeting." They're looking at me. All I can do is shrug. The tension makes me self-conscious.

But I crack and laugh, as usual. "Everybody is their own kind of mediocre. Mine's just... a little abnormal."

Now we're both laughing, upsetting the muted air around us. "Sorry if I seem strange, stranger," I say.

"You're not a stranger," they say as I frown. "I walk past you in the hallways all the time. You're always smiling."

I scoffed. "Welcome to the club of people who know me but have never met me."

I see movement out of the corner of my eye and can't resist turning to witness the shrug of indifference. What little light there is casts the face in shadow, and all I discern is the flash of an iron ring. Right-handed. I go back to looking at my stars.

They stand up and loom over me, blocking out the inky sky. The world gets heavy for a moment, as if we're waiting on an edge. Stars don't really twinkle, but amused eyes do. "I'll see you around, friend."

As they walk off, my thoughts run. Perhaps not twinkling bright enough to satisfy my curiosity is a fault.

Such encounters confuse me. Sometimes there's an arrangement of moments. Moments in sequence that you're not quite sure happened. So I sat on the bench and wrote it out, just to keep it alive. And maybe I'll see them. See them not again, but for the first time. Because light hair and laughing eyes aren't much to go on. Yet I wouldn't have it any other way.

I don't mind if I never meet them again. When I walk along the hallways tomorrow, I can't say I'm smiling for no reason.