The Things I Find...

So I was taking old pictures off of my phone and I found this winner:

You have no idea how much regret I see in this picture. It's just... bad. I know exactly when it happened, just not how or why. Some moments you want to remember, and some you really don't. I am way too happy that it's hard to make eye contact with these guys in this crappy photo. I know it's not real eye contact, but it still freaks me out. Some people you just can't face.

It's that moment where you find an old picture, and realize that you don't know these people, you just know them too well. We spent a crazy 72 hours together, and it took me a good ten minutes to figure out the fourth name. The other three? Wish I could forget. To that fourth guy: I am so, so sorry.

The one thing that struck me is the glow sticks. I forgot about the copious amounts of glow sticks being thrown around - pretty sure I came home with about six. Where did these come from? I really can't remember - sincerely wondering if anyone who went to VELD could clear this up for me. I do, however, remember being protective of them for no real reason. I managed to collect every colour. Why did I think it was important? No clue. But they were precious.

Now this picture is out there, immortalized in my brain next to a whole pile of mental images I don't need to think about. Everyone has those images. Don't lie.

Life Isn't Fun Unless You Have It

Fun, that is. I'm sitting here, calming myself down while munching on frozen strawberries, and have decided that life really is what you make of it. Around midterms people get stressed and depressed and all kinds of other crappy things. But your brain can only take so much, and if you don't stop to enjoy the stupid things then you can get stuck in a miserable mindset.

I'm really good at the stupid things... especially if no one's watching. I spent all morning doing productive things and was therefore able to justify an evening of ridiculousness. I could already imagine the excuses I'd get from people not wanting to hang out for a night, so I was stuck solo. And it was fun.

Kids have this amazing ability to sit alone in a room with toys and be completely amused with imagination. In this spirit, I've recently decorated the apartment with Halloween stuff leftover from when I was young. Pumpkin lights everywhere, cute and scary stickers on windows, and other little things create this nice seasonal cheer - it's cheesy, of course, but nice. But I'm a big kid now, and I have big kid toys too. 

These toys consisted of a laptop full of newly downloaded electronic music, a television, and alcohol. Here I will shamelessly plug the blog Caveman Sound. These guys are awesome and can be relied on to provide a daily dose of epic electronic tracks (not to mention free downloads for them). They manage to cover the spectrum of electronic music well, so if you're into that kind of music you have to check them out and I'm sure you'll appreciate them. I, personally, tend towards the more vocal tracks. It means I can sing along horribly and laugh at myself. 

Which I did tonight. Lots. I love buying frozen fruit and making healthy smoothies (or putting chocolate syrup on them and eating them like candy). Tonight I took some strawberries and put them in a glass, planning to make a drink. And I succeeded in making something delicious. I found a random can of Pepsi, so I poured that over and added some rum. The strawberries were like ice cubes, but added a hint of flavour. I was pretty impressed with myself... so I made quite a few of them.

After taking in one of my most favourite movies (try to deny the fact that the Bourne trilogy is spectacular... you can't), I didn't have a Formula 1 race in an odd time zone to keep me entertained. The caffeine kicked in and I hooked up my music, danced with myself and sang terribly - all while watching my reflection in the window, cast in an orange glow from the pumpkin lanterns. I cracked myself up way too much. I loved it.

My roommate returned from a date, and as I heard her approaching the apartment there was a frantic scramble, turning off the beats and slowing myself down. We chatted and parted ways, so I now sit alone in my room, still laughing occasionally at my own craziness.

 Yeah, I spent the night drinking alone and everyone says that's not good for you. But the truth is I don't really care. I bet you can't find someone who laughed at life as much as I did tonight.

Caveman Sound also has pretty pictures, as showcased in this post. I really have no photography skills.

Love Like Hollywood Is Watching

That's the best way, right? It doesn't have to have a magical happy ending, or one that makes your heart ache. It just has to be one worth having. There was never a famous love film where you walked away saying "well that was pointless". Even if it was miserable or sappy, if it was true you didn't mind spending money on it.

But what's worth it? If the movie doesn't have a 'happily ever after' message, what happens next? You can go back and watch old movies over and over again, but the ending will never change. And you don't get a refund. Hours. Days. Months.

I haven't made it to years. Not really. Maybe that's why I'm sad. The holidays are coming and my family has been discussing the attendance list. It's been expanded to include the significant others of the 'kids'... yes, until we have kids of our own we will always be the kids who have their own awesome table at family gatherings. But we're not kids anymore, and a few are settling down so there's not enough room for them at the table. They have been in relationships for years, happily together with someone before they were my age.

It's not that I'm really depressed about this. I'm branded as the nerdy girl who doesn't want to settle down yet. It seems like a nice label, but I'm never quite sure of the subliminal message in that sentence. One of my grandmothers once said "I know your cousins are a little... chubby... but they've got such great personalities that they found boyfriends. Why don't you have one?"  She then proceeded to call me "muscular, but still well proportioned". Ouch. Just... ouch. For my ego's sake, I pretend that I translated that into English incorrectly -  by 'one' she meant boyfriend, not a great personality.

The truth is that I don't know. I know I'm generally content alone. I know I absolutely love some shameless fun that comes with freedom. But I also know that I miss having someone to pretend to bother about my day. Someone to keep me company, really.

Christmas will be spectacular chaos, as usual, and genuinely awesome no matter who attends. My family is pretty close, but really good about including new people - it's always casual and cozy. The poor boyfriends and girlfriends attending our celebrations for the first time have no idea what's coming for them. But once you're in, you're in. And you learn to love the terrible jokes and loving arguments.

Even with the warm spirit that creeps up in the fall, you never know what's going to trigger you. Maybe it's that favourite old sports t-shirt that you're pretty sure you were supposed to return (yeah... oops) but you couldn't let it go. Or maybe you made a nice meal just for one. But you somehow know the show had to end that way. And you have this vague hope that the sequel will be better. At least you can say you got out there and experienced life - even the crappy parts.

There's always better stories out there. For now I'll enjoy my seat at the kid's table, eating the holiday away. Because apparently if I get fat, I only need to work on my personality.