Seized More Days and Freed More Nights

In response to a challenge imposed by a friend who said I'd lost the art of writing by being in engineering, I attempted some slam poetry. I sent it to Shane Koyczan out of curiosity and he responded saying it was 'vivid and interesting'... whatever that means. It's meant to be read aloud with a rhythm, so it's odd just reading it on the page. Check out 'The Crickets Have Arthritis' by Shane and you'll know what I mean. His is beautiful. Mine is... meh.

I have forgotten how to write. I have forgotten how it feels to forget being clear and concise and take as long as I want to get to the point. So here it goes.

I ache. I’m full of aches and pains and feel like life has swept me up in her games. I just want to run and be done, and let my imagination take me to a place that’s real. Really a place where all my ‘what ifs’ turn out for the best. Because I have lived. Loved and laughed so hard and it hurts. It hurts me to say that my greatest life experiences were in my mind. I construct these fantasies secretly and I am happy. I am sad to say that I am oblivious to true possibility. I fail to see the chances for things to happen in a way that they will be memories and not wishes.

I wish I had the courage. I wish I had seized more days and freed more nights. Been bold enough to go up to someone and say ‘I like you, and I don’t know if you like me too, but I just wanted to check’. But the balances of life told me that two and two make four, and that a positive and a negative will together make things even. And my head is filled with numbers to which I have nothing to add. Because I have been alone. Abandoned and inaccessible and it’s my fault. It’s my fault that the possibilities that I’ve reached for and passed by haven’t really answered the whys.

A why is a question I dare to ask and dread. To fill the soulful emptiness with reason and passion - with an answer I crave. But I’ve stared at the windows of my soul and gotten lost. And I’ve wondered if anyone has seen past the plain frame and into the depths I hope are hidden there. I hope that they can tell me that the frame doesn’t matter and that my soul is beautiful. Because I haven’t even figured out what colour it is. Does it shine with the brilliance of intelligence or does it cower in the grey dark? I can never really know. When I get too close I blink.

In a blink what I look for is gone and my imagination fills in the blanks. And the seconds add up to whatever I want. And that way my answer is always right. The tests life has given me may have been easy. But I didn’t study. I didn’t study the world around me. I can’t re-try, only apologise and sigh and wonder if someone else could have done it better. I lack a guide to lead me to the solution. A solution I have mixed and re-mixed, yet never gotten correct because I can’t concentrate. I walk into oblivion with methods unwritten, and my only companion is my shield.

It pushes everything away. It may block my view, but it is my shelter. The problem is that as I stumble along the path with cracks and I miss things. I sway every which way with indecisive decisions. I look back and these cracks have grown wide, feeding on my doubts and regrets. Because I have many. I turn to see that those who try to follow me will step in a crack and break things. And even though I am not the one who is broken it becomes a wound that I have caused and must carry. I can go back, pull them up, and ask for reasons. But I do not understand the reason and why they left it behind on un-solid grounds. And if I stay to help them avoid the cracks I will inevitably fall.

It is said that there is a moment. A blink of time before you fall when you can stop and think. Recall the forks in the road and maybe contemplate how you got to this precipice. Yet I wasted all my blinks in life. Used them to hide in perilous times and the wrong times. So my blink came too late and I find myself at the bottom wondering if anyone knows how to find me and pull me out. Hope sparks in the dark and I grasp for the glow, believing that perhaps someone fell with me, I just haven’t found them. I wander in vain, alone in the shadow. Eventually cracks trickle behind me and I begin my trek again, no better than before.

How to Accidentally Cock-block Your Friend

   1)  Make a friend of the opposite sex - so in my case, a guy. Become the kind of friends where you're stuck together daily and get along okay... but if you were with them for any extended period of time you'd go insane.

   2)  Over time, cross into the 'I don't give a crap' friendship. Let them see you at your low points when you decided to have a sweatpants day and not bother with your hair. They still talk to you in public and are indifferent to your lack of effort.

   3)  Slowly stop filtering your responses after a few years and accidentally admit that no, you're not a virgin, and yes, you really do like sex - you're just really good at looking innocent with your dimples and braids.

   4)  Become closer with this honesty, and genuinely revel in the fact that you're found someone you can chat to and they won't abandon you because you hold as many secrets as they do after those nights of drinking together.

   5)  Allow them to get a tad closer, because you're in it for the long haul now. Too late to go back. Even if they still annoy you, enjoy the fact that they think your embarrassing fault of giggling like a toddler when someone pokes your sides is 'cute'. But only cute.

   6)  Decide that you can put up with them for one night at a bar before you plan to head to the club without them while they stay at the bar with a lady friend.

   7)  Figure out that it was a bad idea for them to see you all dressed up.

   8)  Ignore the flattering, yet slightly insulting surprise that you can look so good. Watch them try to smooth talk their actual date while awkwardly watching you.

   9)  Laugh as their date comes up to you and says that they're confused as to why the two of you haven't slept together when there's an obvious (yet one-sided because he's annoying) attraction. Oops. Give him the task of trying to explain you're just friends.

 10)  Try not to show your amusement when your friend's date ditches and their expression is confused and broken, and they come to you for 'comfort'.

 11)  Crack up maniacally as you skip off to the club, leaving them to go home to drink the wine they had planned to use on the girl all alone. Sucka.

 12)  Pretend absolutely nothing happened the next time you run into them, and every time thereafter. Revert to step 5 and try to remain there.

You'd Be Jealous

I got this in an e-mail from my mommy. I guessed a flying squirrel, and Google tells me it's a Japanese Dwarf Flying Squirrel. Google Image that shit. Cutest little thing ever. I want to keep one in my pocket at all times, so when I'm sad I can whip it out and play with it. Make all my friends jealous. It reduces me to such a girly girl and I make little cooing noises about how I want to hold it and squeeze it and call it my fuzzy. Look at it! You can't tell me it's not absolutely adorable.

A Nerdy Moment...

My Life in Chess

To the only opponent that anticipates every move

Nothing makes sense of logic

Yet you stare

At the beautiful maze of black and white squares

Silent in speculation

The challenge has been accepted

The curiosity rooted

As the tree grows

Chaotic and majestic

Leaves swirling in unpredictability

The seasons pass as the game unfolds

Each path’s end known

The outcome undecided

Advantages are fleeting

Yet the pawn must move on

Unable to turn back

A piece so often lost

The bishop remains imprisoned

Forever on white or black

As the game continues

The knight moves with freedom

Leaping over all

Searching for victory

But the direct path of a rook

Can easily cause its fall

Is it the end?

The king and queen eternally dance

Peaceful in time

Apart and fleeting

Safe for the moment

But can you win?

Your turn is over

You’ve done all you’re able

All alone you rise

Only to sit

On the other side of the table
 

Too Nice... and Too Good to be a Wingwoman

Some days this blog is random shit. Some days this blog is emotional shit. Some days this blog is funny shit. Some days I blog about my shitty posts and how I need to work the word 'shit' out of my vocabulary. Fuck. I say 'shit' too much.

Anyway! Today is a ranting day. I will manage to prove how awesome and how stupid I am at the same time. 

This day started off pretty swell. I was hanging out with the lucky bastards who will be graduating this year, helping them pull some pranks in good spirit and leave their mark. The day concluded with the lovely thing we like to call pucbrawl. In the end I'm a quiet one, but I like to have my fun and once and a while be a little bold. Tonight I was happy to note that my favourite person had shown up. In all the years I've been going to these events, I'd never seen this person out before... so my heart was racing. He was in my territory. Yes, 'he'.

In explanation, this person is my favourite because he's foreign and bloody gorgeous. And the nice thing is he doesn't even know it. I'd hung out with him a bit in first year, but I was too shy to really have a conversation with him. And he was also in this odd phase - with the music and clothes and all. Some weird stuff, but I still thought he was adorable. So a few years passed and I'd see him at meetings, smile and nod when I walked past him in the halls, and generally tried to keep my head down and not act like an idiot. The weird phase went away and he got into professional weight lifting. So holy crap. He got huge. Didn't help me be any less intimidated by him.

But I was confident - slightly drunk too... but that's not the point. I went up to him and started chatting, and was surprised to hear he was sad that we didn't hang out anymore. He said he felt left out sometimes and missed having me to talk to. Needless to say I was about to pass out. But then the conversation moved to how his friend was being a shitty wingman and was stealing the girls he chatted up. Ouch. What was I? I guess I didn't make the cut. He had his eye on a girl standing behind me, who was talking to this other guy. I wanted to hide in shame.

I was crushed to note she was basically my exact opposite. Now I'm not going to complain and call myself ugly or fish for compliments - I've made my thoughts about girls who do that pretty clear - but it still hurt. She was short, brown-haired, kinda petite, and nervous looking. I had to stamp down the irrational girl jealousy making me hate a nice person. I don't know exactly how you 'look' nervous, but once he explained that she was a psych major I understood her feelings. She was in a tank of desperate nerd sharks. So here's me, basically trying not to drool and lose the confidence that took me years to gain, and he's complaining about some other girl.

Me, being the dumbass I occasionally am, started to feel bad for him. He'd asked me to rate the guy she was talking to. I admitted the guy was a geeky cute, and that I'd recognised him and talked to him before and he was a pretty nice, funny guy. But he was about a foot shorter than I was, so he was not on my radar. So what do I do? I boost his confidence and tell him he's way better looking (he said thanks and gave me a fist bump like a bro... sigh). And then? I help him! I went up to the short guy, broke into his conversation and started talking to him and the girl, gave my hottie a way in, then left him to chat to this other girl! They didn't leave together or anything - my guy probably scared the crap out of her being so tall and muscular... and yummy... but still. I gave him away for the night. 

I sound all possessive and terrible calling him 'mine', when in all honesty I can't see us ever working out in the long run. I'm far too into substance over looks. But I don't really care about the long run at this point in life. Sure, we don't have the same taste in music, and he probably knows more about Ford than Audi, but it would've been fun. Before I helped him out, I had him laughing at my funny stories and talking about his new love of weights and the 'Sexy and I know it' shirt his sister got him for Christmas because it had dumbbells on it. He's too embarrassed to wear it out, but I think he could pull it off. Basically I was just thinking about how I wanted to figure out if his endurance was up to par with his strength. Oh dear. I'm terrible.

See how awesome I am, men? Even if I like you that much, if you want another girl I will hand her to you on a silver plate. Talk about friend-zoning myself. Before he left, he gave me a big hug in thanks - even rested his forehead on mine for a second and told me not to be a stranger anymore - and essentially left me in a puddle on the floor as he walked out. I am such an idiot.

Strange, but...

sometimes imperfections are nice...

Pizza and Pet Peeves

Today I had a moment. A moment when you sit still for a second and wonder why you're sitting so still. Why you aren't going anywhere. So I took this moment to answer a question.

A few days ago I had come home late from a pub, satisfied with the pizza I had inhaled minutes ago during my short walk. Have I ever mentioned how much I love this little pizza place that's between me and all the bars? Absofrigginloutely delicious at 2am. Anyway, I was in a pretty happy place. I shoved my laptop to the side of my bed, and crawled under the covers, ready to sleep the sleep of the dead. But I noticed this annoying blinking thing on my screen. A new friend of mine had sent me a message. It said 'I know you aren't on but I wanted to learn more about you. What are some of your pet pevs?'

I felt like an instant bitch when I wanted to reply 'people who can't spell'. Realizing that would be totally mean, I let it go and slept on it. Literally. I slept on my laptop. I forgot my intentions of putting it on the floor - also a stupid idea because I tend to step on it in the mornings. So the next time I was lazing around (like now) I paused and remembered the question.

Recently I've had a pretty short fuse. Normally I'm laid back to a dangerous level, where I really could care less what people do - who am I to judge? I'm good at letting things go, and not taking things unreasonably personally. But sometimes you just want to snap. My number one pet peeve? Passive aggressive people. They drive me insane. If something's bothering you, say it! Don't mope around, putting on this mask, when everyone gets this pissed off vibe from you and can tell something's up. I met up with my one roommate and asked her about her night since I hadn't seen her in a while. She was telling me how she got hammered and came to classes hungover, switching from wanting to puke her guts out to being almost functional. And she said "you know that feeling, like when you have the flu or something, that you're just oozing the smell of sickness and you think everyone can tell?" And me, being me, was honest. No, I don't. I've never had the flu or a hangover. She didn't appreciate this casual response, immediately stopped talking, turned her head back to facebook, and proceeded to blatantly ignore me.

I'm not so good with the whole empathy thing. I can give you sympathy pretty well, but I haven't experienced something don't expect me to sound sincere. Because I'm probably pulling something out of my ass and saying the wrong thing. So I'm sorry my parents let me eat a shitload of dirt and exposed me to the diseased world - not exactly a nice thing... - but I didn't say it to upset you. And now I've been getting the silent treatment. And I'm not 100% sure of what pissed her off, so if she could let me know that'd be great. I heard from my other roommate that she'd also been having a spat with her boyfriend (about her going out without him), so that brings up another pet peeve of mine. Taking shit out on people who don't deserve it. I'm sure I've done this before, but I still don't like it. If she's taking her issues out on me, it's a tad upsetting.

And then I realized I'm a bloody amazing roommate (in some respects... clearly I'm a little crazy and not perfect). I thought 'hey, if she's taking it out on me and sparing some other innocent that's great'. Because if my roommates ranted to the more fragile types, they'd make people cry or get slapped. But I sit and take their shit constantly, and then later we all go back to normal. And I can live with that. So then I thought of some other pet peeves of mine that I put up with.

3. Leaving the dish cloth in a wet ball in the sink. This grosses me out to no end. You wipe all your dishes with this thing. And then you leave it sitting with all this food debris in a moist pile to grow some nice little mouldy cells and it smells like rotten water. Is it so hard to ring it out and leave it hanging to dry? No! But almost every day I find it stewing in its own filth. Blech.

4. Leaving the dishes to dry when you can see they're clearly not clean. Sue me. My room is closest to the kitchen, so most of my annoyances stem from the kitchen area. Whether you've 'washed' them or not, when I see a dish sitting dry with all this crusty stuff on it, it annoys me (we don't have much counter space anyway). One of my roommates will eat something, and leave her dishes on the counter to clean later. Which is fine, but it would make everything easier if you gave it a quick rinse before leaving it out. That pasta goop is not too hard to get off if you get it before it dries. Worse? If you clean it, put it in the drying rack, and you can clearly see it's not fully clean. Now we share dishes, so if I see my bowl with dried cheese all over it after it's been washed, I just sigh and wash it again. Waste!

5. Driving up the bills. Do you need to leave all the lights on when you're not in the room? Do you need to leave them on for the robbers when you're not home? Do you have to open your window to the frigid outdoors for some fresh air when the heater's on? Do you have to take a 45 minute shower? NO. Well... I can be guilty of the last one occasionally... but max once a week!

6. People who knock themselves down. Not literally, of course. Well... if you're unlucky like me and those tricky flat surfaces get you, that is annoying. But this is directed at people who don't realize how awesome they are. Don't hate on yourself! If you don't like something, fix it. If you are aware of how awesome you are, but pretend to not know so you can listen to people compliment you... that's just pathetic. Stop throwing out negative comments about yourself just for reassurance. It makes you less awesome.

7. I'm sure if I though hard I'd come up with many more. But I'm really not that bitter. My last pet peeve? People making fun of my roommates. Sure, they can annoy me. But in the end they're my family here and I love them. So when I hear someone's made them cry (boyfriends included) I will get pretty damn mad. I put up with all these things because they are great people and I would be lost without them. Enough said.